Angels are a problem. Actually, they are 2 problems. First - Jews, Christians, and Moslems are all full of themselves because they supposedly created Monotheism and cleared the Spiritual Boards of all those 'False' gods with their Pagan ways and Animal parts. The 3 Peoples of the Desert are smug in their Theotic-Decimation. Jerusalem is, in fact, a Type of Auschwitz for the 3 Million gods which the Etics have reckoned the Monkey has created. It's much easier on the Imagination when the Magic is concentrated in a Monad. So the 1st Fall - the Earthly Archetype of all Falls - was the destruction of the gods themselves. But Monkeys can't live without Complexity and Embellishment - so within a mythical moment, the heavens filled up with Legions of Others. Orders of beings torn directly from god and bearing a portion of that potency. Little gods. With minds of their own. Monotheism was replaced with a Shattered god whose power was spread out over a Spectrum of Bickering, Petty, Jealous, Horny, and truly Bizarre Potentates with Wings. Some of the Towel-Headed Angels have 1000s of Wings. Now the Monkeys had a Broken god with Shards of himself which had their own agendas. The Second Problem with the Angels stems from the 1st and concerns the Competence of god himself. God looks like an Idiot with bad teeth, oil stained hands, the wrong wrench, and a name patch on his filthy Carhartts which says: Skippy. A Hillbilly too close to his sister. If god is so Omni-Omni how the hell can you explain his Products? Turns out the Great Workman should have gone to Night School. Every Sentient Being god creates - whether Angel or Monkey - is a fuckup from the get go. The 1st thing the Sentients do is Adore god. The 2nd is to violate all his rules. Maybe Fuel Injection was the answer? Maybe it was the inability of a Mind which knows Everything to get inside of Other Minds which knew next to nothing at all. Maybe the Design Flaw was that Everything with a CPU wants to be on Top. If you automatically relate your Ego to the World then it's a safe bet the World is going belly up. So the Fact of Angels, all by itself, is worrisome. It's like the first time, as a boy, when you discover your old man is a jerk and couldn't change a light bulb. Time to buy a Smith & Wesson - something you can call Old Shatterhand which will Act with Potency and get the job done with one quick blow. Like the gods used to do, before the Monkeys killed them.
And why in the Heavens would you fashion Angels which either Can or Want or Need to Fuck? The Purpose of Sex is Genetic Diversification. It's a cool way to keep the Genome 'Plastic' and able to bend with the Environment and its Geologic 'Seasons'. Sex is the way Form is maintained while Structure customizes itself for the Necessities of the Umwelt du jour, the sitz em leben. Sex is the way that Living Systems have devised so that they can live Forever. Either as Code or as Canon. As Analog or Digital. All the Chickens die. Eggs go on and on. Sex is about Code which can crawl up into an Egg and weather the storm of Bodily Transitions. Why would Beings like Angels, who while they are with god in heaven cannot die, be Sexual or capable of Sex? Sex is the Bridge across Death for beings that Can die. It would be useless for beings which cannot. And yes, Skippy knows that the Fallen Angels, deprived of god and the Tree of Life, can die. But they don't. Except in Christopher Walken Movies. "It's not that they can't die," Skippy says, "It's just that they won't go away." The Anshe Shem are condemned to inhabit Sub-Realms of the Cosmos of Heaven, Earth, and Hell and Wait. Either for Forgiveness - aka Apokatastasis - or Judgment followed by Eternal Punishment. While they wait they get to fuck with the Monkeys. While they can no longer Fuck the Monkeys. They do get to fuck with them. So Skippy figures that Angels with Dicks and/or Muschi must be the Edsel of god's line. BetaMax ideas. New Coke urges - upgun the model with more sugar. So it looks like god gave angels genitalia for the same reason he gave the Monkeys the Apple - just to fuck with them. Like the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test, just to Type them. Those who Will. Those who Won't. The Cosmos is the Eternal Reiteration of Continual Acts of Selection. Rechts - Linkes. Rechts - Linkes. I more and more appreciate the Science of Semiotics which teaches you to think in Topological Transformations in Code, and Systems Theory, where Reality is always at Base Recursive and the more things change the more they stay Self-Similar from level to level. As Above - So Below. "Give Everybody Dicks!" God screamed, as he pushed the envelope. What could go wrong?
Neither the Fallen Angels - nor the Angels themselves for that matter - are 100% Canonical. They are mentioned more often outside the Bible than inside it. When you get into the disputed books of Enoch and the Book of Jubilees you cross the line into Poetry. Inside the Bible the Angels and Demons are mostly Inferred by their sparse and often metaphorical appearances. Angels are Messengers, Mediators - so its often impossible to distinguish between Inspiration and the Bearer of Meaning. Cultures have long imagined Angels at the epicenter of all Change. Postpostmodern Monkeys see Angels as Logarithms, Lagrangians, Descriptors of Probability in Infinite D Hilbert Space. Skippy thinks that while Angels do not support the Crystalline Structures of the Orbits of Heavenly Bodies, they probably are involved in the Matrix of the WWW as well as the Missing Mass in Anti-Neutrinos passing thru the world. Dawkins, Dennett, Harris & Hitchens deny that Angels exist on any dimension except Monkey Thought. And maybe Tiny Dancers in Electron Shells trading charges with the Passersby. So when you talk about the Angels you have to cobble it together from sources, some of them written by Psychotics. Some of them written by Poets. Some of them dreamed. Some hallucinated. Some dictated by the Green Fee or Ibogaine. Many of the sources came out of Mushrooms and Psychedelic Molds. Too Many of them came from Mean Bastards on a Molly Pitcher White Port Wine binge. Angels are a Personification of the Semiotic processes of Communication between separated entities or systems. Every Message needs a Sender, a Receiver, and a Means of Transmission. A Medium. The more Transparent the Medium - like thought and language - the more Monkeys need to stuff it full of their flotsam & jetsam so that they can see the Bearer as well as the Meaning. That's the price of creating Abstractions in a Monkey mind which thinks the world is real just the way it looks. It gives us Metaphor and with that come the gods and their fucking religions - all stuffed full of our own shit so that we can 'see' them. Monkeys are special in the Universal Code because they Interpret the Code while blindly Transmitting it on. That shit gives us Angels.
OK. Here's the Skinny. Here's the tale - blended from many sources, both rational and insane - and Filtered thru Skippy: For his own 'Selfish' reasons, God made the Angels. He gave them the Prime Directive: You have to Love me, and write 'Love God' in your heart [there were no phylacteries, doorposts, or gates yet]. They did. Things were cool. Then god, for his own 'Selfish' reasons, made the Monkeys. The Angels balked at the Monkeys - new additions to the Family are often resisted. And for the same reasons that older Siblings rain down shit on their little bros, the Angels started poking the Monkeys. Why doesn't god love me no mo', they asked each other and themselves - there being very little difference between the two - and why does god give Consciousness and Will to Monkeys. Where the fuck is Mine? So some of them took some and suddenly noticed that the Monkey Girls was lookin' fine - and once again, the Script writes itself. 2 of the Angels - the Azza Boys, Azza and Azzael, went to god all big eyed and innocent and told him that the Monkeys were fucking everything warm and that type of Miscegenation was just wrong. So they volunteered to go down there and Train the Monkeys up on what was fuckable and what was not. And maybe for awhile that's what the Azza Boys - the original Anshe Shem - were doing. Trying to teach the Monkeys some Morals and Manners. But damn! Them Monkey Girls was lookin' fine! So bam! The Azza Boys fell into the Muschi. And lo, it was good. After, Boys will be Boys, Azza & Azzael, went back to heaven and started telling the rest of the Posse about Monkey Girls and Muschi. 200 of them got High - on Angel Dust probably - and split for Earth. Only 20 of them left us their Names, and only 19 of those survive. You can find the Names of a Hundred others, but all those have been dropped by iffy sources, or simply Inferred by the little piece of Hell they brought with them. It's a toss up in the tale whether or not god really gave the 200 a chance to come home - but since the records show that 133,306,468 other Angels fell later . . . it seems certain that the 200 would have said no. So Heaven was ripped and at war with its owner. As Above - So Below.
The Dead Fat Elvis is in Skippy's head screaming: "Justa bigga, bigga, bigga hunk of love - will do!" Fallen Angels pounding Monkey Musci. However many. Well Gomer, surprise, surprise, surprise - Speciation! Monkey girls gave birth to Mischlings & Mudmen, Horrid Hybrids, Grotesque Chimerae, and worse. The Bible just lumps all that together and refers to the Offspring of the Unholy Unions as Nephilim or Anakim and describes them as 'Giants' - Goliath was from their Sippe - 3000 Ells high. Ethiopian sources correct this to 30 Cubits or about 13.5 Meters. Big ugly mothas. Very much like Postpost Amerikans. Huge consumers of anything consumable. So the Nephilim ate everything and then they started to eat the Monkeys, and finally - "to sin against birds, and beasts, and reptiles, and fish, and to devour one another's flesh, and drink the blood." 'Sacre fuckin' Bleu!' as the French say. But hold this thought because meanwhile Azzael and the others need a new gig. They are no longer part of god's Watchers in Heaven. They are now the Grigori - Watchers between the Heavens and the Hells. So like most Fallen Spirits they go into Teaching. Azzael is a Great Professor. He's Teacher-of-the-Year and he gets a parking spot next to the Power Building on Campus. He teaches Monkey Men how to sharped things to Killing Edges and make swords, knives, shields and armor. He shows them how to get Metal from the Earth and Prep it for making sharp things. Dudes loved Azzael, he was a Man's Demon. They got drunk together and lied about Muschi. Then he taught the Monkey Girls how to harvest tinctures and colors and scents from the Earth so that they could paint their eyes and rouge themselves in special places. He showed them how to use shells and sparkly stones to adorn their painted bodies. He showed them how to walk and shake themselves so that Monkey Men would quiver. He personally instructed them in dances and rhythms and how to use those motions in Fornications and Obscenities. Chicks dug Azzael, he was a Protopimp and Sugar Daddy. They got stoned together and Everybody got Naked and giggled and talked about their feelings. Monkeys learn well. The earth was filling up with Debauchery and Giants eating Everything. Monkeys were Killing each other and drinkin' Blood. Monkeys were Fucking everything with a Void. Seed was getting Mixed with Spirit in Haphazard Combinations. Monsters roamed the Cosmos on all its levels. Even god was scared to come out at night. I can see him, hunkered down in the Reichsbunker im Himmel, thinking to himselves: Shit! Maybe I should have stuck a Governor in the System . . . some Type of Fly-Valve between the Lines to cut off the flow & the Chi. But it was too late now - the Mudmen were building a Tower.
Enough's Enough! Or as Hitler once put it: "My patience is at an end." A gaggle of Archangels: Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael, and the Mighty Michael went to god and begged him to reign in the Chaos. Your toy is a Cesspool, they told god. All the Monkeys and a Third of the Angels were humpin' Mud and drinkin' Blood. "Judge Them!" The gaggle screamed at god. Before it's too late and the Mud climbs up to Heaven itself and Matter Crowns Spirit with its Curse. So they huddled up, and god had a plan. It was time for a Baptism. A washing away. The Earth was imploding in sin and needed to be Born Again. It was time for the Rains. God named the Spike: The Flood. He sent Uriel to the last half-way righteous Monkey named Noah. Psst! The Archangel whispered to the old drunk: Can you build a boat? Well, you need to get your Seed in it along with 2 of every living thing. God sent Raphael as Dog - the 1st Bounty Hunter - to Find & Bind the Azza Boys, both Azza and Azzael [though everybody knew the 2 were 1] and then to cast them Professors into the Darkness. To make a Pit, a Hole, a Void in the Desert which is called "God's Athanor" and throw the 2 in so in the filth and blackness they might dissolve into 1 where they could just fucking wait. For Judgment. And Restitution. About Restoration? Nobody as of yet knew. Then god grabs Gabe and sics him on the Nephilim: "Proceed against the Biters and Reprobates, and against the children of Fornication." He tells his chief Messenger and Minister of Propaganda. Kill all the children of Fornication, and the chillin' of the Watchers among Monkeys. Lie to them and sic them on each other. And then finally, god sends Michael - with his Lance too tall for most - to Stick the Anshe Shem to the Earth itself. To Pierce the Old Dragon and "bind him fast for 70 Generations in the valleys of the Earth." Until the Day of Judgment "and of their consummation." It's a Good Plan, goddamn it! It's got Symmetry and what Physics and Math call: Beauty. It's a clear separation of task into Metalevels: From the Monkey Noah and his Seed to the Fallen Shards of god itself. A good Scrubbing for Body and Soul - a Baptism & a fresh start.
So in the end it was Woman on both poles of the Typological Schema: The Monkey Girl Eve brought down Adam and the world on the Earth. Then the "Daughters" of the Monkeys brought down a slice of the Angels. It was, in fact, Naamah - the Trophy Wife of Noah - whose Pink Beauty 1st drew the Anshe Shem to the Monkey level. Woman was god's great Objét d'Art - and his Bane. When the horny Samhazai gave himself up to Istar - the gorgeous Monkey - he also gave up to her the Secret Name of God which only the Angels knew and which they used to Ride the Chi back and forth into Heaven. Istar whispered in his feathery ear that she would only fuck him if he told her God's Name of Gliding. As soon as Istar learned the Name she used it to Rise to the Heavens, where god had no choice but to give her a Place in his Constellations. Samhazai, when he hears the Thunders of the Coming Rains repents and he hangs himself up halfway on the 45th Parallel North between Heaven and Earth, the Haut and the Bas, Spirit and Matter where he is to this day - hovering - like a Cosmo-Synchronous Satellite. Waiting. Like Everything Else - for Judgment. And then the Pit. It's as if the Totality of the Cosmos sighs to itself as it realizes what the Muschi has wrought. Anita Berber knew exactly how to Dance & make Men back into Monkeys. She had great Teachers - the Anshe Shem - and it was as if these Angels had written the Dance in her genes.
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